my life has become silly. a world of paranoia and ridiculous thoughts.

Help!

Please look at this, that's presuming anyone even looks at my blog. Which in reality no one probably does.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/sistercrayon/sister-crayon-touring-van-project

"Just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there"

i can feel it changing. my blood is flowing differently. i want to punch myself in the face and explore the world simultaneously.

but...

can't.

i feel overwhelmed. school is getting really intense. almost over. i need retail therapy, i need to release some wanting. how ridiculous am i? fuck.

dreamers.

fuck

life.

christina aguilera just killed it on american idol. no joke.

I'm so bored.

i like my bed though. caves are fun. terra you should like it more.

give me a week, i'll be out in the world again.

fucking mac n cheese.

why cant i eat? i dont enjoy it anymore. i worry the whole time. i need help. therapy or something. i need a new brain. some new confidence. a new throat without gag reflexes. sure i can go to the doctor. but they're just going to tell me its in my head. which it is, and isn't. i'm starting this new thing where i just tell myself to shut up, so i trick my mind into thinking i'm not grossed out. we'll see how it works ha.

i really like the new cocorosie.

time for some more cold meds.

It's been a testing few weeks. Well maybe more like month. I think about felix every single day. I asked him for help today on my final. For some reason I feel like he'll listen, like he cares, like he's reminding me of whats important. I think i need him more than i'm sure he's thinking about me now. Alas, i still find myself talking to him while walking to class, why making food, while watching tv. I make a connection to him with everything i do. thanks felix for allowing me to have you.

After a year of trying i finally got a student assistant position with the department of education. i feel an overwhelming about of gratitude. to god, to felix, to those around me. i don't know how to show my gratitude. so i pray. i thank god for everything. i guess the only way to show my thanks is not to fuck it up. to pull it together and make stuff happen, and continue to be a good person.

here are some recent pics that give me hope. in the most cliche and overwhelming ways possible.

i feel like the side of my face is going numb. my thoughts don't process into action. i feel like i'm a terrible person. i feel like i don't do enough. i feel like it's never about me. i feel like a stupid bitch who doubts her ability to get into the college she wants to. i'd like for once for someone to ask me how i am and me actually tell them the truth and not worry about sounding like a complete mess. I'm a mess. and i'm scared shitless.

These last three weeks have been trying ones. Family, school, my girl. Every things been on overdrive. I can see it in my face. I look like a zombie. The funeral will be monday and tuesday. God rest his soul. Finals and papers are quickly approaching next week. I have no confidence in my abilities at succeeding. I'm trying, going through the motions. But I feel insecure about applying to schools, where i'm going to live, and how i'm going to pay for it all.

I need to shut down. But can't, after all of this summer school starts, and then the fall semester starts. Oh wait and I forgot to mention, my checking account is overdrawn, my credit card is late, and I missed my scholarship ceremony I had no idea existed.

at least terra will finally come back to me from LA.

I know this time is hard for everyone. I'm thankful for being alive and surrounded by loved ones.

never

don't be an organ donor. they'll treat your family like a butcher, selling their loved ones meat.

I can't forget my little square
Even though I'm so far away
I can't forget my little fair
Maybe it's still there, still there today
I sometimes hear that little tune
playing in a dream of long ago

And in my brain runs the refrain
That old French refrain I used to know...

"Ah, mon amour
A toi toujours
Dans tes grands yeux
Rien que nous deux"

I'm so sorry felix. I don't know what else to say. I love you.

noise.

every time i try to write a blog i erase it. i'm exhausted.

photo projects blog

ceremoniesofmemory.wordpress.com

sparce.

it's spring break. i sit alone in this house filled with animals. it's quite yet i still am unable to focus on my tasks at hand. maybe i should go to a coffee shop and stare at peoples mouths, become disgusted and leave. those projects i've been ranting about have been completed, more have created themselves.