october.

my favorite month of the year.
last week sac stormed feverishly and tore through the flesh of clean skin. i lost power for 2 days and formed a relationship with the language of candles. it was an experience that tested my patience with the dark. i came out frustrated and strained. my Ophelia stayed on me for those days as she normally does. a couple days later she came into heat, i sobbed like an infant. she's a woman now, yet i love her the same.
me and terra's 1 year is on Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!! her eyes make me ache.

she's europe and i live in her.

life is as expected; continually tripping over my own feet with the best intentions and the less than satisfactory outcome. I stumble, dancing on the blue block's squares. the future is.

ah shit.

another year at 15. thank god 20 is here.
I'm thankful.

v a g i n a

Oph apparently licked some kind of poison or got bit by something. She was drooling puddles and seas for two days straight. Scarred the shit out of me. Now for an easy weekend. School is busy and rapidly becoming a juggling act, but i'm enjoying it. I like my classes, cant wait to transfer.

My bday is approaching. To celebrate terra, the fam, and I are going to the renaissance fair. i'm beyond excited.

oph likes flannel,

jizz christopher kane.

the moon during the day

no one around me understands the love i have for:

cunts

those little girls who are not even worth thoughts amounting to a particle of dust on my brain are forever trying to accumulate through different people around me. Is it the fact that i think about you only when brought up? and never in between bother you? I've purposely become void of anything that has even walked by you people. does that satisfy your need to be relevant?

captain

refrain from self pity. you're to good for it.

pawn

the day I can truly feel as though i understand titles- i will cease happily.

i enjoy pms'ing with my lover and these sheets.

.

fragrant with humility

I have become the stuttering silent compliant door knob. the fuck rabbit without any defining momentum. the pity became rank. focus.

pronounce accounts

I had a great day with hope and abby yesterday. watched lost boys and george lopez.

oph is getting huge! school starts in a week or so, planing for spain, and portland. terra is more beautiful than ever.

How do you lose meaning in the noises coming out of your own mouth? the words are pronounced and then deflated- lost and unable to latch onto new words. and so i can not carry on a conversation with someone new without preparation- a draft. my temples make drafts and never finish them.

let the ringing begin, tomorrow.

"yea you should try it with one girl, yea, and then if you dont like it...cheat on her"- NYC prep

Lets hope im done with school by 22. thats my goal.

im reading Equus.

europe in january.

fill up the buckets

had lunch with abby today.

i feel drowsy. not myself. my eyelids want the feeling of exhaustion, so i can sleep for a couple days.

ERIN sits like a mantel fixture, glued to the wood as if the heat has molded it to her. she sits there plastered with fear and feeling of sainthood. her legs are spread from anticipation, someone wants her- statuette whore. ERIN stands up, walks away from the wooden chair and closer to the brick balcony.

ERIN

(quickly, silently)

fuck fuck fuck.

she lowers her head to floor, playing with her fingers violently

stops

ERIN

i am all there is.

funerals and frantic wind

This morning smells of pollen; thick and staggering. My room looks beautiful. The walls are catching light from the wind.
I wonder if my mind is more like a man's.
I wonder if I have any Greek in me.
I wonder if the Alvidrez family in Spain were ever diplomats.
The Hapsburgs should have never changed their name to Windsor.

































terra.

cream puffs, i'm going to miss her.

back from portland. she leaves at 2:00, my body aches.

here's a little bit of the trip.




color and homeless

The walls look like tales from old men's basements; bricked with their old photos and glazed wood wall fixtures. portland is beautiful. my mind hasn't attempted to hide in a closet once since i've been here.

have pictures when i get back.
i miss ophie.


terra you are so beautiful. i stare at you now, with your shirt rolled and your bangs chopped together from the humidity and sweat. whatever you're doing has nothing to do with me, yet my toes rest uncomfortably touching your computer. you will not push me away. i love you.

be back sunday.

oil glass

One more week of summer classes, she was intense- the work load huge. glad its almost over.

Terra leaves for tour on wed. i will miss her more than i have ever missed anyone. she's my comfort, my pillow. My silent acceptance of a crowed world. She lays in the bags of my eyelids, changing the colors of my thoughts and the vibrations i live in.

i worship her bones.

in other news,

ophelia is going to come into heat soon. she still crys when i leave her, she's not ready. im not to comfortable with idea of blood and humping going around the house when it has the face of my ophelia. i have to get her fixed asap.

concert tomorrow, wedding and show saturday, paper sunday, wed terra leaves.

i have yet to obtain a job. apparently im useless.

paitnted on the vanilla sky

watch the first 5 min of vanilla sky. radiohead with penelope cruz's voice. cinematic genius.