dreamers.

fuck

life.

christina aguilera just killed it on american idol. no joke.

I'm so bored.

i like my bed though. caves are fun. terra you should like it more.

give me a week, i'll be out in the world again.

fucking mac n cheese.

why cant i eat? i dont enjoy it anymore. i worry the whole time. i need help. therapy or something. i need a new brain. some new confidence. a new throat without gag reflexes. sure i can go to the doctor. but they're just going to tell me its in my head. which it is, and isn't. i'm starting this new thing where i just tell myself to shut up, so i trick my mind into thinking i'm not grossed out. we'll see how it works ha.

i really like the new cocorosie.

time for some more cold meds.

It's been a testing few weeks. Well maybe more like month. I think about felix every single day. I asked him for help today on my final. For some reason I feel like he'll listen, like he cares, like he's reminding me of whats important. I think i need him more than i'm sure he's thinking about me now. Alas, i still find myself talking to him while walking to class, why making food, while watching tv. I make a connection to him with everything i do. thanks felix for allowing me to have you.

After a year of trying i finally got a student assistant position with the department of education. i feel an overwhelming about of gratitude. to god, to felix, to those around me. i don't know how to show my gratitude. so i pray. i thank god for everything. i guess the only way to show my thanks is not to fuck it up. to pull it together and make stuff happen, and continue to be a good person.

here are some recent pics that give me hope. in the most cliche and overwhelming ways possible.

i feel like the side of my face is going numb. my thoughts don't process into action. i feel like i'm a terrible person. i feel like i don't do enough. i feel like it's never about me. i feel like a stupid bitch who doubts her ability to get into the college she wants to. i'd like for once for someone to ask me how i am and me actually tell them the truth and not worry about sounding like a complete mess. I'm a mess. and i'm scared shitless.

These last three weeks have been trying ones. Family, school, my girl. Every things been on overdrive. I can see it in my face. I look like a zombie. The funeral will be monday and tuesday. God rest his soul. Finals and papers are quickly approaching next week. I have no confidence in my abilities at succeeding. I'm trying, going through the motions. But I feel insecure about applying to schools, where i'm going to live, and how i'm going to pay for it all.

I need to shut down. But can't, after all of this summer school starts, and then the fall semester starts. Oh wait and I forgot to mention, my checking account is overdrawn, my credit card is late, and I missed my scholarship ceremony I had no idea existed.

at least terra will finally come back to me from LA.

I know this time is hard for everyone. I'm thankful for being alive and surrounded by loved ones.

never

don't be an organ donor. they'll treat your family like a butcher, selling their loved ones meat.

I can't forget my little square
Even though I'm so far away
I can't forget my little fair
Maybe it's still there, still there today
I sometimes hear that little tune
playing in a dream of long ago

And in my brain runs the refrain
That old French refrain I used to know...

"Ah, mon amour
A toi toujours
Dans tes grands yeux
Rien que nous deux"

I'm so sorry felix. I don't know what else to say. I love you.

noise.

every time i try to write a blog i erase it. i'm exhausted.

photo projects blog

ceremoniesofmemory.wordpress.com

sparce.

it's spring break. i sit alone in this house filled with animals. it's quite yet i still am unable to focus on my tasks at hand. maybe i should go to a coffee shop and stare at peoples mouths, become disgusted and leave. those projects i've been ranting about have been completed, more have created themselves.

Is happiness continual, or momentary? I am content. Living through the motions. At no specific time or specific order I acknowledge how content brief happiness has made me.

Sister Crayon video shoot in the forest playas

theres rain drops falling from your face that look like tears.

this week has been calm. a break was def needed. though i'm excited to get going again. i have so many idea and projects i want to start. good to have a flood of ambition once again. my news years resolution is to force my self to be productive in things i want to make happen, not just school. booooooooya.

whatever i touch, starts to melt in my touch, i am to much da doom doom doom

today me and terra had a snow ball fight on our way to class and saw a machine called ditch witch. year without a santa claus is on!

thomas-val you suck.

Maybe i don't accurately portray what i feel i am. i have so many ideas combined with little time and sparse motivation. i rarely create what i know i can prove. i rarely counter a failed attempt by another. instead i press the backspace button on every moment in my life; this creates red grading marks which are invisible to me and magnified to others. The mistake is that i write over the mistakes- making me forget them all together. the end of this paper cant come soon enough.