christina aguilera just killed it on american idol. no joke.

I'm so bored.

i like my bed though. caves are fun. terra you should like it more.

give me a week, i'll be out in the world again.

fucking mac n cheese.

why cant i eat? i dont enjoy it anymore. i worry the whole time. i need help. therapy or something. i need a new brain. some new confidence. a new throat without gag reflexes. sure i can go to the doctor. but they're just going to tell me its in my head. which it is, and isn't. i'm starting this new thing where i just tell myself to shut up, so i trick my mind into thinking i'm not grossed out. we'll see how it works ha.

i really like the new cocorosie.

time for some more cold meds.

It's been a testing few weeks. Well maybe more like month. I think about felix every single day. I asked him for help today on my final. For some reason I feel like he'll listen, like he cares, like he's reminding me of whats important. I think i need him more than i'm sure he's thinking about me now. Alas, i still find myself talking to him while walking to class, why making food, while watching tv. I make a connection to him with everything i do. thanks felix for allowing me to have you.

After a year of trying i finally got a student assistant position with the department of education. i feel an overwhelming about of gratitude. to god, to felix, to those around me. i don't know how to show my gratitude. so i pray. i thank god for everything. i guess the only way to show my thanks is not to fuck it up. to pull it together and make stuff happen, and continue to be a good person.

here are some recent pics that give me hope. in the most cliche and overwhelming ways possible.

i feel like the side of my face is going numb. my thoughts don't process into action. i feel like i'm a terrible person. i feel like i don't do enough. i feel like it's never about me. i feel like a stupid bitch who doubts her ability to get into the college she wants to. i'd like for once for someone to ask me how i am and me actually tell them the truth and not worry about sounding like a complete mess. I'm a mess. and i'm scared shitless.