Silent buzzing, body secretly trembling. I grow unsympathetic of my own symptoms. How do you speak about the feeling of anxiety? How do you give updates on your progress when your body is in shock mode 24-7.


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My head is being toppled by inertia.


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You know the commercials with the woman standing there as everything happens around her and there's a huge black cloud over her head?

It's real.


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Rain

Days that once would have filled me with frustration, anger, and mortaring now are reminders of my gratitude to god and life's experiences. The thought of myself five years ago makes me cringe. Somewhere along the journey of adolescence I woke up. Everything from that moment to this day has made me more humble than before. The future is arbitrary. A good person today makes for a life worth continuing.

I'm filled with gratitude. Thank you god, thank you Mary, thank you saints, thank you air, thank you bed, thank you will, thank you faith, thank you love, thank you thank you.

The day I can say-
Thank you mind,


Will be the day I receive complete happiness.


No matter, I have faith my mind has put me though this for a reason.
I am humbled.



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Location:Home

there.

The near bridge of success is timing its way out. Subtle, subtle, subtle. Progress is highlighted by my armed retriever. My finished draft is walking with ease and ache. What a tired son I have become. The illness takes my title and leaves me an heir. I am closer. Only breached by the being in my abdomen. Thank you today- for the soft feared gravel of my bridge.

Simple.

The tragedy of living in an embankment of fear is the irony in the clever skin of wanting the difficult. The tragedy is only temporary with a timid temperature. Praise the hearts that call themselves god. The good is seen in the freckles of my face and the coven starving in the embankment. A mind not as Cain, remember the view before the mark.

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my life has become silly. a world of paranoia and ridiculous thoughts.

Help!

Please look at this, that's presuming anyone even looks at my blog. Which in reality no one probably does.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/sistercrayon/sister-crayon-touring-van-project

"Just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there"

i can feel it changing. my blood is flowing differently. i want to punch myself in the face and explore the world simultaneously.

but...

can't.

i feel overwhelmed. school is getting really intense. almost over. i need retail therapy, i need to release some wanting. how ridiculous am i? fuck.

dreamers.

fuck

life.

christina aguilera just killed it on american idol. no joke.

I'm so bored.

i like my bed though. caves are fun. terra you should like it more.

give me a week, i'll be out in the world again.

fucking mac n cheese.

why cant i eat? i dont enjoy it anymore. i worry the whole time. i need help. therapy or something. i need a new brain. some new confidence. a new throat without gag reflexes. sure i can go to the doctor. but they're just going to tell me its in my head. which it is, and isn't. i'm starting this new thing where i just tell myself to shut up, so i trick my mind into thinking i'm not grossed out. we'll see how it works ha.

i really like the new cocorosie.

time for some more cold meds.

It's been a testing few weeks. Well maybe more like month. I think about felix every single day. I asked him for help today on my final. For some reason I feel like he'll listen, like he cares, like he's reminding me of whats important. I think i need him more than i'm sure he's thinking about me now. Alas, i still find myself talking to him while walking to class, why making food, while watching tv. I make a connection to him with everything i do. thanks felix for allowing me to have you.

After a year of trying i finally got a student assistant position with the department of education. i feel an overwhelming about of gratitude. to god, to felix, to those around me. i don't know how to show my gratitude. so i pray. i thank god for everything. i guess the only way to show my thanks is not to fuck it up. to pull it together and make stuff happen, and continue to be a good person.

here are some recent pics that give me hope. in the most cliche and overwhelming ways possible.

i feel like the side of my face is going numb. my thoughts don't process into action. i feel like i'm a terrible person. i feel like i don't do enough. i feel like it's never about me. i feel like a stupid bitch who doubts her ability to get into the college she wants to. i'd like for once for someone to ask me how i am and me actually tell them the truth and not worry about sounding like a complete mess. I'm a mess. and i'm scared shitless.

These last three weeks have been trying ones. Family, school, my girl. Every things been on overdrive. I can see it in my face. I look like a zombie. The funeral will be monday and tuesday. God rest his soul. Finals and papers are quickly approaching next week. I have no confidence in my abilities at succeeding. I'm trying, going through the motions. But I feel insecure about applying to schools, where i'm going to live, and how i'm going to pay for it all.

I need to shut down. But can't, after all of this summer school starts, and then the fall semester starts. Oh wait and I forgot to mention, my checking account is overdrawn, my credit card is late, and I missed my scholarship ceremony I had no idea existed.

at least terra will finally come back to me from LA.

I know this time is hard for everyone. I'm thankful for being alive and surrounded by loved ones.

never

don't be an organ donor. they'll treat your family like a butcher, selling their loved ones meat.

I can't forget my little square
Even though I'm so far away
I can't forget my little fair
Maybe it's still there, still there today
I sometimes hear that little tune
playing in a dream of long ago

And in my brain runs the refrain
That old French refrain I used to know...

"Ah, mon amour
A toi toujours
Dans tes grands yeux
Rien que nous deux"

I'm so sorry felix. I don't know what else to say. I love you.

noise.

every time i try to write a blog i erase it. i'm exhausted.

photo projects blog

ceremoniesofmemory.wordpress.com

sparce.

it's spring break. i sit alone in this house filled with animals. it's quite yet i still am unable to focus on my tasks at hand. maybe i should go to a coffee shop and stare at peoples mouths, become disgusted and leave. those projects i've been ranting about have been completed, more have created themselves.

Is happiness continual, or momentary? I am content. Living through the motions. At no specific time or specific order I acknowledge how content brief happiness has made me.

Sister Crayon video shoot in the forest playas